Question
In a recent session you talked about helping LGBTQ youth set boundaries, so they wouldn't be taken advantage of as they dated either boys or girls.
What are some smart boundaries for a young adult who rejects the church and thinks standards are there to create guilt? Why do we make any boundaries? What are practical, not religious, boundaries? How can I broach a discussion without sounding judgmental?
ANSWER
Focus on how dating is just another relationship and how you want them to have healthy relationships in all aspects of their lives - friendships, dating and all interactions. Focusing on what a healthy relationship will ultimately better equip them with the sexual side of dating because all of our children want to know about how to love and be loved. Helping them understand that it is completely normal to desire to be physical, that we are wired for that but that sex is filled with a lot of emotions and you want to help them understand those emotions.
You want to create a safe place to talk about their questions. Studies show that most kids now about the sex stuff but they don’t understand the emotional aspects of relationships. Focus on helping them define healthy relationships with themselves, friends and romantic partner - will create a safe place for them to talk to you when things go unhealthy.
Try to ask more questions than talk. For instance,
What do they think a healthy relationship looks like?
What standards feel right for them in dating?
How will they communicate their boundaries with their date?
Do they have a plan if their date violates their boundaries?
Whose relationship would they like to emulate?
Whose relationship would they like not to emulate?
What are they worried about in future relationships?
Make sure you respond with curiosity vs. judgment. Your job to create open communication and in order to do that our children have to feel like we are genuine interested in what they think without judgment. If you are having thoughts at all like they are doing it wrong, this will show up in your energy.
I like to think - I am not the expert of ….. and just because it was right for me doesn’t mean it is right for them. This keeps me in the open energy I want to project during the conversation.
A couple of points to keep in mind:
1. Define, model and give examples of healthy relationships. A healthy relationship will allow both partners to remain individuals with individual lives while they are still a couple. It involves trust, respect, communication.
2. Be clear on what is unhealthy - relationships that have an imbalance of control which shows up in withholding, isolation, threats, insults, control.
3. Technology abuse - Technology is a big part of our kid’s relationships so it is important to address how they want to handle it. Technology can lead to a constant and instant communication and led to unhealthy behaviors. Technology abuse happens when a person uses text, social media, to harass/bully, constant monitoring, etc.
4.Boundaires - Boundaries protect against sexual and physical abuse. They let the other person know what is okay and not okay. Talk with your child to help them define what feels right for them. You don’t have to go to the gospel values but just use your values as a family on what respect looks like for ourselves and for others and teach them how to communicate them because what is normal to them might not be normal to who they are dating.
Remember that the better our children feel about themselves the less likely they will engage in unhealthy relationships. But also remember, they will ultimately decide what they want to and how they want to show up in dating. Some of these thoughts help me love my children in their crazy:
They want to feel loved just like me.
They are learning what they need in a relationship.
Their needs might be different from mine.
I want to be their safe place to land.
My story is not their story.D
